Single Woman: The Thought Life

There are times that Satan has small victories in my thought life and I hate him for it. Every few months I seem to experience this cycle of feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I'm still single or that I don't yet have children of my own. There are sleepless nights spent thinking, wondering, and beating myself up about missed opportunities and opportunities that should have been missed.

Satan is an expert at placing self-doubt in these moments. The negative thoughts become a tidal wave. I am not pretty enough. Perhaps I'm unlovable; I don't deserve to find someone. I will always be alone. There must be something wrong with me... A woman's mind is so dangerous and at times Satan can be so strong.

I have several tricks I attempt to use to get rid of the negative talk. I sing a few of my favorite songs.  I quote scripture that it seems I've known forever to comfort me. And I pray. I know it's particularly bad when I wonder if God even hears me. Some of these sleepless nights I move to the couch and turn on the tv to focus my mind on something else. It seems I am just waiting out this horrendous cycle because this isn't me and this isn't the type of person I want to be.

I've said this before and I'll continue my mission to convince every woman to believe this about herself. I may not be the world's definition of beautiful; I may not turn heads when I enter a room. But my heavenly Father believes me to be the most beautiful being He's ever created. I am created in His image and I would never say that God is ugly! I am so loved that He sacrificed His Son so that I can spend eternity with Him. And I am never alone because He never leaves me. In the times I think He's not listening are the times that He is fighting a war with Satan over my life.

I've also always said that I'm willing to wait for what God has planned for me. There is a hope and peace in knowing that what God has planned for me is above and beyond what I have imagined for myself.

I still strongly believe that my day will come. I pray that the man who is to be my future husband is being blessed, following God's will for his life, and growing to be the kind of husband I need him to be. I pray that God is preparing me to be the wife my future husband deserves. I know that being a wife and mother will be the most important job I will ever have on this earth. I'm excited to get on with it... when it's the right time.

Sleeplessness

I have developed quite the difficulty sleeping.  Some people might say that's what happens when you get older.  Some people would say it's due to stress.  A question I usually ask others is 'what are you thinking about?' because worry often keeps people awake at night.  For me, it might be all of these things.  I've always been one of those people that requires a lot of sleep in order to function and I really enjoy sleeping.  So, this problem bothers me!

The last couple months I've had some problems getting to sleep.  My mind begins to wander from one random thought to the next.  I sometimes think about all the things I didn't get done that day.  Paranoia also settles in.  As I lay there praying for sleep to come, every noise can send my mind into a tailspin of bad things that could happen to me.  The brain is a dangerous organ when it gets out of control!  I convince myself that someone's outside or someone's going to try to get into my house.  Then sometimes I awake suddenly in the middle of the night.  This is quite the mystery, because how does your brain go from resting to awakening anxiety?! 

I've used Melatonin, but that's not very effective anymore.  I really don't like to take medication, but when I get desperate there's the occasional Tylenol PM.  I've tried reading, but I'm still not at a place where I enjoy it.  And when nothing seems to work, I move to the couch and allow the TV to distract my mind. 

Last week I actually made it to the gym multiple times.  It worked!  I was going to use the excuse that I was too tired to go because of my lack of sleep.  It's a good thing I went because I slept better!  I'm not saying I slept great, just better.  It still took me some time to get to sleep, and I still woke up a few times throughout the night.  But the level of anxiety I felt during those times was a lot less. 

I suppose I need to work on my state of mindfulness.  I remember what my parents would say when I would get up to tell them I couldn't sleep.... Go to bed.  Close your eyes.  Lay very still.  Think of something peaceful and happy....