What is Beautiful?

With my patience on a very short fuse last week, I turned to Pandora.  There were two songs back to back with the message that "you're beautiful."  It was what I needed to hear at the time; I think we all need to be reminded sometimes that "you are sacred, you are treasured, you are His." 

There seems to be an ongoing discussion around me, whether in the media, with friends, or in my own head, about what is beautiful.  I know there are men out there that struggle with self-worth; I've had some of these same discussions with men.  But since I am a woman, I can speak with more authority on the struggles the woman's mind faces.  As women we constantly compare the way we look to every other woman in the room in order to prove that we don't quite measure up.  'I wish my hair was thick and curly like hers.'  'I wish I could wear my hair short like that.'  'I should be as skinny as her.'  'I want my butt to look like that in those jeans.'  'I could never pull that dress off.'  'I should have worn more makeup.'  'I should have worn less makeup.'  'If I were taller I'd be more beautiful.'  'If I were shorter I'd be more beautiful.'  'Her smile is prettier than mine.'  'I wish my eyes were that color blue.'  I'm sure I could go on forever.  This negative self-talk is completely irrational. 

In Jennifer Rothschild's Self-Talk, Soul-Talk: What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, she points out the emotional abuse that you are inflicting upon yourself when talking this way.  If a friend reported to you that her husband or boyfriend was saying these type of statements to her, what would your reaction be?  Would you be appalled?  Would you be angry?  Would you reinforce that she's beautiful and she cannot allow him to treat her this way?  Then why is it okay for a woman to talk to herself in such a derogatory manner? 

Another point that I believe deserves some consideration is the message being indirectly sent when we determine that we are not good enough.  You are created by God.  The same God that made the mountains, the stars, the flowers, the rain, the birds, the sun, the oceans, and your favorite furry animal, MADE YOU!  He made worlds of beautiful things that we all admire every day, you are not an exception.  If God says you are precious enough to Him for His Son to sacrifice His life for you, then who are you to say that you're not beautiful?  I realize this is heavy, but it is worth contemplating.  When I put myself down and declare that I'm unworthy, I'm not good enough, and I'm not beautiful, I am insulting the One that created me! 

Since I have had the conversation of "beautiful" with so many women lately, I ask this... What is beauty?  Can you define it?  And who determines what is beautiful? 

The two songs I mentioned before were Mercy Me's "Beautiful" and Jonny Diaz's "More Beautiful".  I have seen Mercy Me perform "Beautiful" and I love the message.  Bart Millard talks about trying to raise his daughter so that she doesn't determine her self-worth by the world's standards but by God's standards.  He also talks about this feeling of unworthiness and "wondering if you ever could be loved."  No matter what you've been through in life "You're beautiful!"  Follow that with these lyrics from Jonny Diaz and WOW!!!  There can never be a more beautiful YOU! 

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

True Love is Sacrificial

I have several blog topics in the works that have been on my mind.  I will eventually finish and post them. But due to the holiday this weekend there's a very important topic on my mind.... LOVE!  It is Easter, which is a time we stop to remember the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  God loves us so much that he was willing to give up His Son.  Jesus Christ loved His Father, you, and me so much that He endured torture, pain, heartbreak, and death.  The ultimate demonstration of love is sacrifice, and the ultimate sacrifice is life.  It is beyond my understanding the kind of love my God has for me.  It is overwhelming to know that the emotions He went through is outside of my ability to comprehend. 

God's picture of love says to me:

Love is a verb.   Jesus Christ did not die because of what I could do for Him.  He conquered death so that I could spend eternity with Him.  The motivation behind the sacrifice was to give me life.  It was for me!  When I love it is not about what I get from the other person; it's about what I can do for them.  True love is about giving.  1 John 3:18 says, "My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and truth."  If you grew up in the 90's you may remember these lyrics from DC Talk:

Back in the day there was a man
Who stepped out of Heaven and he walked the land
He delivered to the people an eternal choice
With a heart full of luv and the truth in His voice
Gave up His life so that we may live
How much more luv could the Son of God give?
Here is the example that we oughtta be matchin'
Cause luv is a word that requires some action

Love is a commitment.  When people talk about love changing, they are referring to a feeling.  Feelings do change; feelings can be dependent on the circumstances; feelings are conditional.  Love, however, is unconditional.  Can you imagine God saying 'sorry I just don't feel like I love you today'?  If His love was conditionally based on my behavior, I would always fail.  I would never be good enough; and grace and mercy would not exist.  God committed to an eternity of loving me when He sacrificed His Son, because without the commitment the sacrifice is meaningless. 


Love is sacrificial.  There is no greater sacrifice someone can give than the life of their child.  God tested Abraham's love and committment when He requested Abraham offer Isaac as a sacrifice.  Hannah demonstrated her love for the Lord when she sacrificially gave Samuel to serve in the Lord's house.  And can you even imagine the emotional sacrifice of Mary as she watched her son, Jesus, hang on a cross and die for the world?!  God's Word consistently demonstrates that love is sacrificial. 


Can you imagine a world where people loved each other as God intended?  When a person made a choice, a commitment, to love another, the love was demonstrated in his/her actions and the commitment never waivered according to how he/she felt.  I would be out of a job if more parents demonstrated true love to their children! 

1 Corinthians 13:13 Now abide, faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest of these is Love.

A few months ago I found this funny video about the diffrence between like and love and the meaning of love.  Enjoy and Happy Easter!

Taco Tuesday

Many of my coworkers pick on me for my love of food.  I do get rather excited about mealtime, and you better believe I don't miss a meal.  Today I may have started planning for lunch as soon as I got out of bed because it is Tuesday! 

There is a little 'hole in the wall' Mexican restaurant near my work that we are all pretty much in love with.  It's called Tortilleria.  Everything is homemade including the tortillas, chips, salsa, and guacamole.  They are all delicious!  Typically I am not a fan of beef (I don't trust restaurants and where they might buy their meat.)  But the shredded beef at Tortilleria is absolutely mouth watering.  My mouth waters just thinking about it!  In addition to the tacos being amazing, on Tuesdays they are only $.99.  Thus, Taco Tuesday!  I was going to take a picture but I think I was so excited to eat that I forgot.  And the place was packed. 

With the craziness last week, today I got a chance to breath.  I was productive at work, and tonight I was productive at home.  I managed to get my lawn mowed and my kitchen cleaned.  I'm pretty excited about this! 

It's the small things sometimes that make the day successful.  Food always brightens my day.  And feeling accomplished is definitely a contributing factor.

Birthday Activities!

Last time I posted I was still in my 20's.  But almost a week ago I entered my 30's.  My birthday week had it's ups and downs.  Not because of the age; because I was sick!  It stinks to feel so miserable when you have so many great activities planned. 

My first birthday present to myself was not working!  I took off three days from work to rest and get away.  The day of my birthday, my mom and I went shopping for a birthday outfit to wear to my party.  We had chinese for lunch and went to a cute little bakery and had cupcakes with my best friend. 

The next day I got my hair done.  My beautiful cousin does my hair and she gave me flowers for my birthday. 

Friday, my dad took me to the shooting range and attempted to teach me how to shoot a gun.  (It's definitely not as easy as it looks.)  Saturday, was the big day of celebration.  My parents rented my favorite tea room for dinner and the menu was based around one of my favorite foods, manicotti.  Most of my local family and a few of my closest friends attended. 

This was the best cake EVER!!!!!

I share my birthday week with a very special little girl.  This is my cousin Autumn :)

After dinner I danced away to some 80's music with some friends....

We don't look like sisters at all!  But this one is pretty special!

These line dancing girls know how to party!

I think this girl and I are kindred spirits!

During all of these fun activities I had quite the cold.  I had sinus problems and a sore throat; Friday night I even lost my voice!  But nothing was going to slow me down or keep me from enjoying my birthday week! 

I feel incredibly blessed by how much effort my loved ones put into making this birthday special.  When I would try to have a party growing up no one would come :(  But so many special people came through for me without hesitation.  There was a lot of planning on the part of my parents and my sister.  I received a few gifts (not that the gifts were important but the effort and thoughtfulness went a long way with me.)  I feel overwhelmed by the desire people had to make me feel special.  I do not know how to say thank you enough.  But I am grateful from the depths of my heart. 

"I give thanks to my God for every remembrance of you."  Philippians 1:3

This is one to remember!!!

Last day in my 20's....

Tomorrow's the big day!  I will be 30!!!  People talk about birthdays like something magical is going to happen on that day.  Since this is a big one, I'm sure tomorrow grey hairs will suddenly appear on my head and 10 extra pounds will take residence on my backside.  Ha ha ha!  I won't lie; I have been dreading tomorrow for the last year; I've been in denial that it's coming.  Everyone that's older than me seems to think it's stupid that I have these thoughts even though they probably did the same thing.  So let me experience these irrational emotions! 

I've gone through typical self-exploration.  I've analyzed all the things that I haven't been able to accomplish yet, but I really can't complain because I have accomplished so much!  For your sake I won't make a list for each of these categories but I know there are others that have done the same thing.  And even though I've been dreading this day, I'm kind of glad it's finally here.  This last year I've changed jobs, I've made several new friends, and I picked up a great new hobby.  I believe these changes have been in preparation for the next chapter in my life, my 30's.  

So, I took a few pictures of my last day as a 29 year old to remember the occasion. 

I don't look over 21?!  Why thank you!!!

High five just because I'm ridiculous.... 

I believe I deserve a birthday kiss!

What am I planning in celebration tomorrow?  The only plan is not to work!!!  I'm going to spend the day with my mom, maybe find a new birthday outfit for this weekend and RELAX!!! 

30 HERE I COME!!!!!!!!

My Words Are Insufficient

My heart cries for people; I want to take their pain; I can't.  Sometimes there are things I want to say, but my words are insufficient.  I pray God's faithfulness sustains you, God's peace engulfs you, and God's words comfort you. 

FAITH
Hebrews 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

Mark 11:23 "For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith."

PRAYING FOR PEACE
Colossians 1:9 "For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding."

James 5:13-15 "Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him."

HIS COMFORT
James 1:12 "Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him."

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Romans 8:18 "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

I Love People!

"LOVE people until they ask why and then LOVE them some more." 

There is so much heartache and so much pain in life.  Nobody is exempt from sadness, anger, fear, or loneliness.  I'm surrounded by trauma daily at work and at times it can be overwhelming.  Add to that stressful situations going on with people I know personally and my heart breaks.  The term "when it rains it pours" is so true.  A mother having to deal with her child having cancer and undergoing treatment; a friend in an unhealthy relationship; Christian parents searching for answers in helping their child overcome distress; marriages that are falling apart.   

I desperately want to help and sometimes I believe I can provide insight into the problem.  But voluntarily providing my opinions is not always going to be well received.  So I am striving to just love people.  I love loving people.  When a person is hurting, what they want is a listening ear.  I can do that!  When life seems to be crashing in, what people need is love.  I am praying for them, and I am praying for the appropriate words when the time comes for me to speak.  My witness to them is hopefully one of calm, non-judgmental understanding.  Preaching or teaching God's word is not a gift of mine.  In my job, I don't have the ability to openly witness either.  But I can hope whether professionally or personally that, if nothing else, I can demonstrate the love of Christ through my actions.  I want to build a relationship with people that impacts change. 

I heard somebody state the above quote this week and I thought "EXACTLY!"  It is a motto I try desperately to live by.   And I want to see people as God sees them.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, because love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7

"No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind."

Decisions Decisions

As a supervisor one responsibility that I am not yet used to is making the decision of who to hire for a position.  This is one of the things I was refering to in my last post when I said I don't feel old enough for this much responsibility.  All last week I was conducting interviews.  Each person I talked with had different strengths that would be beneficial for the position.  I find their unique stories and experiences intriguing so I quickly get wrapped up in them.  And of course I want to help ALL of them. 

Unfortunately, I have to make a decision to hire one person.  I know that person will be thankful, but the difficult part is I have to then notify everyone else that I cannot offer them the position :(  I know some think that I have no problems with this, but I really don't like disappointing people.  I'm also one of those people that finds making decisions incredibly difficult.  If it is a clear good versus bad decision... easy!  But when there are multiple good outcomes and/or multiple bad outcomes, I will analyze and analyze and analyze all the possibilities until I've gone completely insane. 

So, here's to hoping that ultimately my choice has the best outcome possible.  However, I am going to enforce my authority as supervisor now and say that no one else is allowed to leave.... EVER!

Crazy Week!!!

Oh my!  How did I even make it through this week?!  It is weeks like this that I think 'I'm not old enough for this much responsibility!'  I made that statement to a couple of people at work and they laughed at me.  Maybe the more appropriate statement is that I don't feel old enough for all this responsibility, because we all know that I have a very important birthday coming up! 

The only way to successfully make it through this week was to take it one day at a time, better yet one hour at a time!  If I dared to think ahead to the next day, or try to comprehend the amount of work that needed to be done before the end of Friday, it seemed impossible. 

Girls may understand this more than you guys... but this was a bad week for unexplainable errors in thinking.  The tasks that you do daily purely out of habit somehow become difficult or forgotten.  Did I put conditioner in my hair already?  Did I lock my car when I got out?  The car keys are found in a spot that I've never put them before; so what was I thinking when I evidently hid them from myself?!  Okay, so that makes me sound a little bit crazy.  But when you are constantly at a dead run I think the mind just needs a break! 

I spent a couple of evenings in a zombie like state.  I locked myself in the house and away from any further contact with people.  I stared at the television mindlessly.  And I don't really remember much more than that.  With God's strength I made it through with my mind, body, and soul still intact!

Roommate Necessary or Scary?

For about a year and a half I have talked about getting a roommate.  People are constantly asking me if I've found anyone yet.  Of course not!  While financially beneficial and smart, I have struggled with this idea.  I have lived alone for 7 years.  That's seven years of having my space, my privacy, my things strewn all over the house, my dirty dishes stacked on the counter in nobody's way, my favorite shows on TV, my clothes taking up every inch of closet space (not to mention my shoe collection!)  There would be a lot of work to do organizing, removing, and making room for another person.  Is it possible to go from seven years of "mine, mine, mine" to sharing?! 

So, yes I'm being completely selfish.  I have absolutely no idea how I would do with this transition.  Does anyone know how difficult change is for me?  (That is a question not to be answered.)   And let's keep in mind that I have two furry babies that would need to adjust to the change as well.  (I would always be their favorite right?!)

As difficult as this change might be, there are so many benefits.  I've been barely scraping by for a couple of years.  Barely scraping by is not good for the pile of debt, the household repairs, or saving up for my next trip halfway around the world :)  As silly as this sounds, I would appreciate the help with cleaning.  And while I enjoy my time alone, there are times that having someone else in the house would help me feel better. 

I do want a roommate, but I don't want to advertise for a random stranger to be my roommate.  So I will continue to talk to friends in hopes that somebody knows somebody who needs a place to live because, at this point, the benefits definitely out weigh the fears.

Sleeplessness

I have developed quite the difficulty sleeping.  Some people might say that's what happens when you get older.  Some people would say it's due to stress.  A question I usually ask others is 'what are you thinking about?' because worry often keeps people awake at night.  For me, it might be all of these things.  I've always been one of those people that requires a lot of sleep in order to function and I really enjoy sleeping.  So, this problem bothers me!

The last couple months I've had some problems getting to sleep.  My mind begins to wander from one random thought to the next.  I sometimes think about all the things I didn't get done that day.  Paranoia also settles in.  As I lay there praying for sleep to come, every noise can send my mind into a tailspin of bad things that could happen to me.  The brain is a dangerous organ when it gets out of control!  I convince myself that someone's outside or someone's going to try to get into my house.  Then sometimes I awake suddenly in the middle of the night.  This is quite the mystery, because how does your brain go from resting to awakening anxiety?! 

I've used Melatonin, but that's not very effective anymore.  I really don't like to take medication, but when I get desperate there's the occasional Tylenol PM.  I've tried reading, but I'm still not at a place where I enjoy it.  And when nothing seems to work, I move to the couch and allow the TV to distract my mind. 

Last week I actually made it to the gym multiple times.  It worked!  I was going to use the excuse that I was too tired to go because of my lack of sleep.  It's a good thing I went because I slept better!  I'm not saying I slept great, just better.  It still took me some time to get to sleep, and I still woke up a few times throughout the night.  But the level of anxiety I felt during those times was a lot less. 

I suppose I need to work on my state of mindfulness.  I remember what my parents would say when I would get up to tell them I couldn't sleep.... Go to bed.  Close your eyes.  Lay very still.  Think of something peaceful and happy....

Happy Beginnings

Today was a special day and a happy beginning for a very special family.  My cousin, Krista, and her husband, Derrick, finalized the adoption of their little girl!  Typically when I'm in family court it is work related and not fun.  But today I was in court for personal reasons.  I witnessed Krista's lifelong dream of becoming a mother come true.  Fortunately,  I could not see Krista's face during this process or I would have been a basket case! 

Their story in a nutshell...  Krista and Derrick have been married for almost 8 years.  Due to a childhood illness Krista is not able to conceive.  But I've never met a couple that is more destined to have children.  Baby K is quite literally a blessing from God.  She is also blessed with parents that would give anything for her, and did.  Tonight Derrick repeated a statement from the judge that the child was theirs just as if they had given birth to her. That was truly music to their ears and a statement that will no doubt ring true for the rest of their lives. 

This adorable family is already praying and thinking forward to the next child that God is preparing for them.  The journey has just begun!  "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition..." 1 Samuel 1:27

This is a picture taken when they first brought Baby K home.  I don't think they could be any happier!

She is a very happy and blessed baby!!!

The mind in tragedy

I witnessed tragedy today, and I was awful close to being a part of that tragedy if I had gone through the intersection just 2 seconds later.  Since it happened behind me, I did not witness the actual impact.  I did witness the aftermath.  My heart is heavy for the sweet elderly lady that lost her son today.  I wonder how she's doing and how she dealt with the news.  And I wish I could do more to help.

I've been thinking today about how people deal with tragedy.  When adrenaline kicks in, you do what is necessary in the moment.  At the same time, I think the brain manages to block out what is impossible to deal with until a more manageable time.  The mind can manipulate information in order for coping to be possible.  And yet we are each different in how this coping occurs.

Tragedy, unfortunately, is a part of life.  How do you deal with it?

Sports Entertainment

I am actually one of those girls that enjoy sporting events.  Even if it's a sport that I don't understand there is something about the atmosphere that intrigues me.  The person next to you is a stranger but family at the same time.  People are willing to throw caution to the wind, exposing their goofy side and sometimes their body parts painted in team colors. You're allowed to yell and scream as loud as you want. You're allowed to dance whether you have rhythm or not. And you're allowed to sit quietly and observe the performances.  There are people of all ages, male and female, of different races, with different hair styles, with different clothing choices, some families, some couples, some are with the guys, some are with the girls, and on occasion some are by themselves. 

Obviously I am an expert at people watching.  A sporting event is the perfect opportunity for me to be entertained for hours.  Depending on the sport, and how much I know about it, I am equally entertained by the athletes.  I feel like I can tell a lot about a person depending on the way they act.  I look at whether they are team players or a one man show.  Do they extend sportsmanship to opposing parties or do they need to keep themselves separated to maintain a competitive edge?  I watch the ways they carry themselves in victory and defeat. 

If you really want to see me get passionate about a game, it definitely needs to be basketball.  I love basketball.  However, I can never seem to find anyone that wants to attend these events with me or that enjoys it as much as I do.  I've decided I need to become comfortable with attending sporting events alone, at least until I find someone that shares my interest.

Give a Girl the Right Shoes

It is true; the right pair of shoes can make a woman feel powerful.  I dug out a pair of white and black plaid heels today that I rarely seem to wear.  The shoes accompanied with my hair actually doing what I wanted it to made me feel confident and sassy.  I had two difficult meetings today and was worried the witch hat was going to have to come out.  However, both meetings went fairly smooth.  I am not proposing that the day was a success because of my shoes.  I am saying that the right pair of shoes make you feel good.  Feeling good about yourself can lead to an attitude that the world can be conquered!