I'm Alive!!!

Sometimes it's necessary to be thankful for the small things, or big things depending on how you look at it.

Nothing ruins the holidays quite like social work and spending all your energy trying to help others make it through them. So as I fly all around the county today, I'm going to be thankful that I'm alive!

Single Woman: Spoiled for a Reason

 

 

Yep, it's all his fault!!!

When people accused my dad of spoiling my sister or I, my dad always said "I spoil you for a reason." He spoiled us with the expectation that we would require the same treatment from men that we dated and any man that we would eventually marry.

To this day, my dad still tries to take care of me. I know he's ready to pass off the torch to someone else, but until then he is the man in my life. The next man has to be able and willing to spoil me too!

The Challenge to Change

"If it doesn't challenge you it doesn't change you."

I read this on a facebook post today, and I don't want it to be true.

I am a work in progress. Every day provides a different challenge and a new opportunity for growing into a better person. However, it's not always easy to meet the challenge with an open heart and an open mind. Sometimes it's just painful.

In those moments of pain it can be hard to discern between the voice of the Holy Spirit revealing my sin and the emotional abuse of Satan telling me I'm worthless. The Holy Spirit is challenging me to not become complacent with my life; I am destined to be greater! Satan would absolutely hate that so he combats it by constantly reminding me that I'm not worthy.

The choice is now mine. Do I choose to believe God unconditionally loves me and desires me to come closer to Him so that I can be a positive influence on others? Or, do I choose to continue down a self-destructive path of demeaning myself, lessening my value, and negatively impacting the world around me?

 

 

"Yet Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You are our potter; we all are the work of your hands." Isaiah 64:8


 

Single Woman: How Did I Get Here?

Let's just say I've always been... different, unique, perhaps abnormal to some people...

I was not a normal child. I hated to upset my parents. I hated to ask for anything, even money. And I was not obsessed with boys. (This made life a little easier on mom and dad.)

Sure, I had crushes here and there. I went out on dates; I occasionally had a boyfriend. But having boyfriends, or not having boyfriends, was not my focus as a teenager. I had school/grades, band, color guard, volleyball, basketball, national honor society, prom committee, a part-time job, a trip to Europe, and youth group to keep me busy. I always joked that when I went to school it was dark, and when I left school it was dark. Who had time for dating and boys?!?

Finding the right college and establishing a career path took precedence over boys. Planning my future was number one priority.

So, how did I get to be a single 30-year-old woman? I think it starts there... I wasn't interested.

After high school, I went to a Christian college. Just like every Christian college in the nation, the running joke was that girls went there to get a MRS degree. With strong willed determination, I refused to follow that cultural expectation.

My answer to the above belief has always been: Being a wife and mother is the most important job I will ever have, but it is not the only job I will ever have.

I did have a serious boyfriend during my sophomore and junior years of college. However, it was made very clear that I wouldn't even think about marriage until after I finished school. After receiving my Bachelor's degree, the plan was to go straight to graduate school. That meant that the idea of marriage would not be a possibility until well into my mid-20's.

In the conservative Christian world this concept seems foreign. It seems to be an unspoken belief that a woman's purpose is to marry and begin having children. Add to that the fact that I live in the Midwest and I have a double whammy!

Many of  my girlfriends in college held becoming a wife and mother a top value in their lives, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sometimes I'm jealous of where their life path has taken them compared to mine. It just was not a strong value in my life.

I'll say it... I'm complicated! There are many, many, many things I want to do and be in my life. If anyone tries to limit me, I can throw a fit and dig my heels in with the best of them.

I posses the natural desire God gave us for companionship. I definitely do not lack a woman's instinct to be a caretaker. But I don't fit in a pretty little box.

My relationship in college ended very badly, which led to additional reasons why I'm currently single. (I think this is another topic for another time.) Again, I poured myself into planning my future, establishing my career, and trying to figure out God's plan for my life. I was working between 50-60 hours per week, and feeling guilty if I had free time when I wasn't working.

My name is Jennifer, and I am a workaholic.

After two years of working way too hard, I made the decision to go back to school for my Master's in Social Work. Working full time, going to school, trying to pay bills, attempting to keep up with the housework, and spending time with friends and family made for one very busy life. Obviously, I have a pattern going on.... Who has time for dating?!?

I jokingly say to be careful what you tell God is the plan for your life. I said marriage wasn't a possibility until I was done with school and He took me seriously! By the time I finished my graduate program I was 28 years old with still no prospects in the love department.

So the majority of the time I wasn't interested, or I wasn't ready. I suppose a part of me knew that I wasn't ready; on some unconscious level it appears that I purposefully neglected that part of my life. I had things to do! I had a purpose to fulfill.

Am I ready now? I don't know. But the path I took to get where I am today has been unconventional. I am single. I am not divorced. I do not have children from past relationships (unless a dog counts). I bought my own car. I bought my own house. I have an active social life. I established a career.

Responsibility lies in God's sense of humor and my determination to be successful. Even though loneliness may creep its way in at times, I don't think I would change the strong willed, hard working values that brought me here. And even though my dad wishes he could take back the words 'you have to wait until you're 30 to get married', I don't think he'd change the core values of who I am either.

The Call to Rejoice

When I went to read my Bible this morning, God took me to Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in hope be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer." If I believed in chance it would be ironic that this verse was in front of me. However, I believe in God's sovereignty.

The theme of God's message to me over the last few weeks has been to find contentment in Him, remember that His timing is always perfect, and choose joy. Back in July I wrote about this verse and was focused on hope. This time I read it and He tells me to rejoice. What an easy thing to say, but such a hard thing to do when the stress is overwhelming and the heart is heavy.

I decided to go back and read the entire chapter to make sure I understood the context of the verse. I found not only that I need to choose joy, but discerning God's will for my life also involves sacrifice, gifts, and love.

My mission statement, if I were ever to take the time to write one, might be drawn from Romans 12:

1. To offer myself as a living sacrifice

2. To choose transformation of my mind so that I can discern the perfect will of God

3. To think sensibly

4. To use the spiritual gifts He gracefully chose to give me

5. To love without hypocrisy

6. To choose joy in affliction

7. To choose to bless people by empathizing with their ups and downs, not curse them

8. To choose humility over pride

9. To take care of my enemies in their time of need

10. To conquer evil with good


I purposefully repeat that I choose these actions. As a great father, God teaches me but then gives me the free will to make my own choices. There are rewards and consequences for every choice I make. The reward I seek is a life that is "holy and pleasing to God" so that I am able to "discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God" for my life. (v. 1-2)

I do not always understand where circumstances in my life are taking me. And honestly, I get impaitient with the waiting. But if I choose to believe that God is in control, I know I can find the ability to rejoice.

Tree Friends

Someone said your friend base changes every 7 years. I have been mulling over this a little bit and found it's pretty accurate for my life so far.

I have always had high expectations for myself and the people in my life who I care about the most. These high expecations include what I believe close relationships should be. I often discuss the true meaning of love with people. While we love people in our life in different ways (you don't love your mom in the same way you love your dog), the foundation of love is always the same. It is unconditional and sacrificial. It is an action, not a feeling. I apply these same standards to the way I love my friends. Unfortunately, not everybody holds the same meanings for friends and love as I do. There have been a lot of people who have come and gone in my life.

Tyler Perry wrote an illustration about the different types of people that come and go in life. It's not anything that hasn't been said before. Some people are leaves, some are branches, some are roots. The leaves are only here for a season. As soon as it gets cold and the wind blows, they are gone. The branches may be around for a several seasons but you have to be careful because they may break if there is a big storm. And the roots are special. They hold you up and help you be strong through any season and any storm.

No doubt there are names that come to mind of people who fall in each of these categories. However, Tyler made a statement that stopped me in my tracks. He said not to be angry with people that are leaves or branches because it is just who they are. They will never know or realize that they are a leaf or a branch; so don't try to convince them.

I confess that I have held some anger and resentment towards the leaves and branches in my life. I invested my time and my heart into friendships that didn't turn out to be what I thought they were. I expected that they would have the same standards as I do, only to find that the relationship was seasonal.

So with this new revelation from Tyler Perry, how do I let go of that resentment and realize that is just who they are?

For one... forgiveness. I will forgive the leaves for not being roots. I will forgive the branches for breaking under pressure. And I will choose to love them for who they are.

It is currently Fall; my favorite time of year. The leaves bring me joy. They bring vibrance before a cold winter. They are fun to rake and a blast to play in!

Several years ago, we had this huge ice storm. Branches everywhere cracked under the pressure. It looked like a war zone. I have a ginormous tree in my front yard. For years, every time the wind blew I was picking up dead branches from that ice storm. Some of the branches tried to stay around even longer than apparently was intended for them.

Unless you were here for the ice storm you wouldn't know it had happened by looking around now. The trees are still standing and they are still growing. They don't look the same as they did prior to the ice storm, but there are some amazing stories to tell.

Second, I will choose to focus on my roots. Even though my friend base has changed about every 7 years, out of each of those bases I found a root. There are a handful of people who I know will always hold me up. Life can send me droughts, ice storms, thunderstorms, even tornados; the roots remain. No matter how much time goes by, no matter where the jet streams take each of us, we will find each other. I am beyond thankful for each of them!

The tree in my front yard has to be 100 years old. It would take two of me to wrap around its base. There's no doubt it has seen a lot of seasons and a lot of storms. I'm sure there are some empty spots where strong branches used to be. I'm sure there are scars from where those branches broke off. For every year that the leaves fell off, another year produced more. Can you imagine how many leaves this tree has been through in its lifetime?

Then there's the side of the tree that I cannot see. The roots. I wonder how deep into the ground those roots go. How far out from the tree do those roots reach? In its lifetime, how many times have those roots kept this majestic tree standing?

Can you imagine? Can you apply? Can you challenge yourself?

Soul Candy

I hate leaving home even if it is something good. Leaving my house, my furry babies, and the land of familiarity brings a lot of unnecessary anxiety. There are no explanations for why I feel this way; it really is just a part of my personality. And generally once I get to my destination I am just fine!

Last week I attempted to take advantage of time away at training to look for soul candy. Anxiety would not get the best of me!

Soul candy is when God chooses to either reveal himself to me in different ways or allows me to experience things that I love.


Of course I was able to find some...

 

Everyone knows Fall is my favorite time of year. It just so happens that the trees have all been changing colors over the last week. Therefore, a three hour drive to my destination was perfect for enjoying God's beautiful canvas. Every time I came around a curve or over a hill, there was a new painting of reds, yellows, oranges, and greens. It was absolutely beautiful every time. I never get tired of it! 

Candy really helps strangers become friends, especially cherry flavored Twizzlers. My cheap little bribe (along with a shared interest in sarcasm) definitely worked. 

 

I ended up meeting some fun people! Nothing bonds Missourians quite like a Cardinals playoff game; so after training we headed to a bar and grill for food, drinks, and sports. Good thing the Cardinals won that night!

 

The people in this town were especially friendly. Everywhere I went people were smiling; joy really is contagious. However, I do wish that they would quit calling me 'maam'! This is a new trend that I have noticed since turning 30. Apparently, I now also look older and the youngins are no longer including me in their peer group. Positive... they were polite and had good manners. Negative... the manners made me feel 'older.'

 

I was very impressed with the hotel. It was probably one of the nicest hotels I've been put in for training. The check-in girl was very chipper and friendly, which this starving and exhausted girl definitely appreciated. My room was clean and updated. There was even a little stuffed animal that greeted me from the bed when I walked into the room! There was a gorgeous clubhouse with a pool right outside my window. It was way too cold to swim, but it was pretty. And the whole hotel was decorated to elicit the feeling of a mountain cottage get-a-way.

 

 

I did not sleep in the hotel very well; I never do. I missed my furry babies at night. There is always one positioned on my feet and the other by my side. It sure was nice to know that they missed me too!

The positive attitude spilled over into my weekend. It was jam packed with fun, friends, family, and worship. I want to do it again!

It is so amazing how God reveals His love for me when I'm actively looking. I had a lot of soul candy this week! I enjoyed a canvas of Fall colors during a 3 hour drive; I made some fun new friends; strangers were friendly and joyful; it was affirmed that my babies need me; and then I spent time with people I love doing things I love.

Praying that it continues to overflow into the coming week.

Curvy Girls vs Skinny Girls

I saw a heading today that read "Curvy girls are better than skinny girls." As a "curvy girl" this bothered me. Why does one have to be better than the other? Why does one side have to pick on the other in order to feel better? Better yet, why do there have to be sides at all?

My sister and I are completely different physically and our parents taught us that we are both beautiful. She is skinny; I am curvy. She has a square face and jaw like our mother; I have an oval face like our father. While she may have a long torso and flat stomach which is appealing to many, I have long legs and nice 'back side.' (Let me pause and giggle at myself for trying to find a polite way to say that.) No one would ever guess we are sisters since the only physical feature we share is our blond hair!

Typical sibling rivalry gets the best of both of us when we wish we had something the other has. There have been countless times we've tried to convince each other that what the other has is actually better. I can't imagine trying to convince her that what I've got is better. She is a beautiful skinny woman; I am a beautiful curvy woman.

As a woman, I completely understand the desire to change your body. We tend to compare our physical appearance to every one else and in the process wish we were different. For example, I don't like that when I'm smiling really big my gums show; I don't like that my hair is extremely thin; I don't like that extra weight accumulates around my mid section; I don't like that I have broad shoulders...

What I don't understand is the effort to put people that are different down in order to feel better. 

Because I am blond I could say blond girls are better than dark haired girls. Because I am tall I could say tall girls are better than short girls. Because I have light colored eyes I could say girls with light eyes are better than girls with dark eyes.

There is no logic in any of those statements.

Is this not the same thought process that is found at the root of racism, prejudice, sexism, bigotry, discrimination, etc.? In case you are now thinking 'whoa, Jennifer, is it really necessary to take it that far'... what about bullying?

With bullying being a hot topic, it is imperative that we set good examples for our children. What matters is not if someone is short or tall, male or female, curvy or skinny, but if they are kind, loving, giving, truthful, dependable...

There are so many women that turn to eating disorders, engage in self-harm behaviors, and stay in abusive relationships because they lack self-worth. Let's help each other find what's beautiful in each of us!

I am sure this statement was not made with any kind of intended malice. But we live in a society that already spends too much time tearing each other down. When these thoughts creep into our mind, we just need to be aware. The more aware we are of the negative thoughts we have towards people, the quicker we can change them. As the thoughts change, prejudice of any kind can change.

Red and yellow, black and white; they are precious in His sight.
Male and female, young and old; they are precious in His sight.
Tall and short, underweight and overweight; they are precious in His sight.
Round and oval shaped, square and triangle shaped; they are precious in His sight.

Let's exhort each other. Let's compliment our differences. And let's embrace the body we have. Not because the curvy body is better than the skinny body; not because the skinny body is better than the curvy body; but because God created all of us in His image.

Single Woman: The Thought Life

There are times that Satan has small victories in my thought life and I hate him for it. Every few months I seem to experience this cycle of feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I'm still single or that I don't yet have children of my own. There are sleepless nights spent thinking, wondering, and beating myself up about missed opportunities and opportunities that should have been missed.

Satan is an expert at placing self-doubt in these moments. The negative thoughts become a tidal wave. I am not pretty enough. Perhaps I'm unlovable; I don't deserve to find someone. I will always be alone. There must be something wrong with me... A woman's mind is so dangerous and at times Satan can be so strong.

I have several tricks I attempt to use to get rid of the negative talk. I sing a few of my favorite songs.  I quote scripture that it seems I've known forever to comfort me. And I pray. I know it's particularly bad when I wonder if God even hears me. Some of these sleepless nights I move to the couch and turn on the tv to focus my mind on something else. It seems I am just waiting out this horrendous cycle because this isn't me and this isn't the type of person I want to be.

I've said this before and I'll continue my mission to convince every woman to believe this about herself. I may not be the world's definition of beautiful; I may not turn heads when I enter a room. But my heavenly Father believes me to be the most beautiful being He's ever created. I am created in His image and I would never say that God is ugly! I am so loved that He sacrificed His Son so that I can spend eternity with Him. And I am never alone because He never leaves me. In the times I think He's not listening are the times that He is fighting a war with Satan over my life.

I've also always said that I'm willing to wait for what God has planned for me. There is a hope and peace in knowing that what God has planned for me is above and beyond what I have imagined for myself.

I still strongly believe that my day will come. I pray that the man who is to be my future husband is being blessed, following God's will for his life, and growing to be the kind of husband I need him to be. I pray that God is preparing me to be the wife my future husband deserves. I know that being a wife and mother will be the most important job I will ever have on this earth. I'm excited to get on with it... when it's the right time.

FaB FiVe FrIdAy

I have a few minutes left in my Friday to see if I've been blessed this week.  There's no doubt I can come up with a few :)

1.  The first thing that comes to mind is that I had a day off.  Read my previous post for a list of activities from that day.  I didn't actually get a full day away but I got some time away.

2.  On my mental health day, I went shopping.  Of course this is one of my favorite things to do!  But even more exciting... While at one of my all time favorite stores, Target, I found jeans that I love.  Not just jeans, but skinny jeans, to wear with my slightly obsessive collection of boots.  I don't exactly have the "skinny" to pull off the skinny jean typically but these fit me so good! 

3.  I had all of my employees back this week!  It was still crazy hectic busy, but last week 5 of them were gone to training!  So of course I had a huge appreciation for them all being back full swing this week.

4.  October started this week!  It's one of my all time favorite months.  I love the weather.  I love the colors.  The month of bonfires, pumpkin carving, candy, and corn mazes is here!  It is the best time of year to live in Missouri.

5.  Tonight, believe it or not, there was no line dancing.  So I took the opportunity to hang out with one of my best friends, who I've been neglecting here lately.  Dinner, talking, and a movie on the couch is all we need.  Love her! 

My theme this week was to try and enjoy the small things rather than

become overwhelmed with the big picture.  Happy weekend everyone!!!

Mental Health Day

As mental health professionals the last thing we know how to do is take care of our own mental health.  We have convinced ourselves that if we take time away from working and helping other people, the world will stop turning.  There's nobody else that can step into our role and know what to do, especially if crisis occurs.  Even if we do manage to get away, there's a debate whether it's even worth it because you have to work even harder to make sure nothing is needed while you're gone and you come back to endless needs that have to be addressed immediately. 

It almost feels like the system has set us up to fail.  The world may not literally stop turning, but who has a position that can be easily covered while they are gone to the point that the endless pile of needs does not exist when they come back? 

Today I attempted to take a mental health day.  I had actually told my director I needed one weeks ago.  The last time I had taken a day off was in March for my birthday.  There's been a lot of stress over the last several months with the conctract changing to a new agency, training new employees, still serving families, and just the normal every day practices.  The mind can only handle so much stress before it starts to take a toll on the body.  Even though I've needed a day off to just regroup, it wasn't until my director insisted that I followed through with taking it.  It is so hard not to feel guilty about taking time for ourselves.

What did I do?

First of all, I slept in... a little bit.  My car had an appointment at the car doctor for a check-up, where I unfortunately learned I need tires.  As I would normally do on a Tuesday, I donated plasma.  And... I answered my phone.  A day away from work would not be complete without having them call you a few times. 

Part of it comes with the territory.  As a supervisor in social services it is expected that phone calls will come 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  If we are to expect front line workers to be constantly available to clients they are serving, we have to always be available to them. 

As strange as it might sound, I actually didn't mind the phone calls today.  Instead of becoming frustrated about work calls, I chose to focus on the few things I did FOR ME.  I haven't told you that part yet!  A mental health day is supposed to improve mental health...

I went shopping and spent money I don't have :D  I did shop clearance and attempted to be somewhat financially responsible.  Just a little advice for you gentlemen... if you want your woman to feel good about herself, buy her some new clothes!  Feeling good in your clothes does wonders for the self-confidence (and mental health).  I took my time walking through the mall and treated myself to lunch.  On my way home, I again treated myself with Andy's Frozen Custard!  It's October, which means time for the Pumpkin Pie Concrete!!!  (I know there are a lot of jealous people right now.)  And I spent the evening at home. 

Mental health days are absolutely necessary for everyone.  We all need time to ourselves.  But even if you can't get away completely, remember to focus on the moments that are about you.  Participate in activities that help you de-stress.  A few weeks back I went for a 90 minute massage after work.  Again without fail, there was a work crisis during my massage and I heard my phone vibrating.  But that 90 minutes was for me; for that 90 minutes work was not my focus.  I may not have had a full 24 hours to myself today, but I did have the majority of the day to myself.  I got to sleep!  I bought new clothes!  I had frozen custard!  I cuddled with my furry babies! 

For my final ME activity of the day, I'm going to go do my nails :D

The Song of My Heart

There is a special moment when you hear a song and it appropriately expresses exactly how you feel right then. Instantly, a connection forms with the singer, the writer, the piano player, the guitar player, and yes even the drummer, because he or she was able to express what you keep deep in your soul. And that song becomes the song of your heart. 

If you've read many of my blogs I have often quoted lines from songs or posted videos of music that I couldn't give proper justice with my own words. Music helps us celebrate when we are excited. It helps us grieve when we are hurt. It gives us hope that tomorrow will be different. It breaths life and death in our soul. Through music we find friends that we'll never meet who live all over the world.

There is another important thing that music can do... It can change the heart. When angry, depressed, agitated, anxious, or scared, my mother has always told me to sing God a song. 'Sing Him a song and you will feel better.' Sometimes it can be as simple as 'Jesus Loves Me'; who can go wrong with that?! When I begin praising the Lord with my song, something happens to me. My mind and heart are re-focused on what is eternally important and released from the worry the temporary things of this world brings me.

My favorites include old hymns, such as 'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus' and 'Nothing But the Blood'; they are great for reminding me who my Savior is to me. I love choruses that honor the relationship I have with Jesus, such as 'Jesus, Friend of Sinners' and 'Draw Me Close'. My favorite band of all time is Mercy Me, with Casting Crowns a close second, because they call out heavily to the church to be the hands and feet of Christ. I get excited at church when we sing 'Who Can Satisfy?' The group Addison Road (even though they aren't a group anymore) has multiple songs that I'm sure some mad scientist stole from my heart while I was sleeping in order to provide them with the material to perform. And there are those days when Bon Jovi's 'Have A Nice Day' is my anthem.  

I'm sure I could go on all day with my favorites, but there is ONE song that always changes my heart and exemplifies what I pray my life will be to those around me.  It is a chorus from my days in the youth group. I often catch myself singing it when doing the dishes. I sing it while driving to work; my heart often needs it even more when driving home. Sometimes I sing it out loud and sometimes I sing it silently. And yes, sometimes I sing it in the shower. After all, everyone sounds great in the shower!

Jesus, Be Jesus in Me is the song of my heart. What is the song in your heart?

Fab Five FriDAY!

Can I do it this week?

1. Last Saturday we had some girl time. My grandma, my mom, an aunt, a few cousins, and I went to a tea room for lunch (one of our favorite things to do) and then went to a local pottery place to paint pottery. I'm not the most artistic person in the world, but I didn't do too bad. Maybe I'll get some pictures up when I get it back so everyone can see how insanely untalented I am!

2. Sunday started the Fall Revival at my church. No matter who it is, stranger or friend, when someone makes a decision for the Lord I become emotional. I consider watching someone choose to follow God a miracle that I get the privilege of witnessing and it touches a very deep part of my soul. It never gets old.

3. Let me just say... chocolate covered raisins. Self-explanatory :)

4. Work has been really crazy lately. While I still had my share of crazy this week, I was more than thankful for somewhat of a slower pace. It was also a huge benefit as I was slightly absent minded this week.

5. Finally... Cooler weather!!! The news stations have been teasing me with cold front after cold front but it never drops below 80. I'm sorry but it's still a little too warm to start wearing my boots in 80+ degrees; therefore, it's not really a cold front in my book. My Friday was made perfect with 60 degree weather AND rain. I not only got to wear boots but I also got to wear a scarf! Bring on FALL!!!

Give thanks in everything, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Single Woman

I am a 30-year-old woman. I am a Christian. I am single.

I have a lot of experience being single. Depending on the day I have different thoughts and feelings about it. One day it could mean I'm strong and independent. Another day it might be that I'm lonely. I have experienced triumphs in this journey and I have had my share of losses. Yet the question remains, 'why am I still single?'

As I've entered my 30's this question seems to haunt me more and more. I get really tired of attempts people make to give me advice based on what happened to them or what worked for them. My path in life has always been unique to me (partly because I refuse to follow the crowd ;) 

Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining about my life. I am blessed with many great friends that love me and support me. I have a family that always takes care of me. I have a career that I enjoy.  But if there's one area of my life that the devil manages to attack me with the most, it is that I am single. I have had many discussions about this with other single Christian women; I know I'm not alone.

However, every time I sit down to write something to launch discussion on this topic; fear overwhelms me. I'm not sure how to approach it without being completely vulnerable. But I suppose that is the point. When I began this blog I not only wanted to give myself a creative outlet, but if anyone chose to read it I wanted it to help validate some of their life's struggles.

Since I don't have any followers to ask for ideas or thoughts, I guess I'm throwing out my idea more out of therapeutic necessity. Should I expose this area of my life?

Not a Fab Five Friday

It's been a rough week mentally and emotionally.  Short work weeks do not mean better weeks; it means shoving more drama and crisis into four days rather than five.  In addition, it's just been one of those times that I feel completely unqualified to supervise anyone let alone help people at all.  The bad just seemed to outweigh the good so I wanted to push myself to come up with 5 blessings anyway.  But after I started writing, one particular experience weighed heavily on me.  And I think that one experience needs to be THE highlight. 


As I was leaving a store I noticed a couple right outside the door.  I had actually noticed them while walking around in the store because they weren't moving on.  I considered cutting across to go out the other doors and avoid any potential contact with them.  'No.  I can handle it.'  Sure enough as soon as I got outside... 

"Ma'am.  Ma'am, can I ask you a question?"

"What's that?"

"My husband and I... come over here (to her husband)... my husband and I are homeless.  And we just want to... come over here (again to her husband who hadn't moved from 20 ft away)... we want to go eat at Golden Corral."  (Awkward pause.)

"So what would be your question?"

"We have $6."  She looked again at her husband.  "Show her the money." 

He did come towards us at that point and she reached out to touch my arm.  As I took a step backward, he began digging through his pockets and pulling stuff out.  I think he found a dollar but the rest of the money was apparently lost.  I noticed the man had no teeth.  He had to hold on to the waist of his pants as he walked or they would have fallen off of him.  The woman was all skin and bones. 

"I'm sorry.  I don't carry cash and I can't give you anything."

The woman turned towards me again.  Her eyes were very sad.  "No I don't want any money. We just want to go to Golden Corral." 

"Why do you want to go to Golden Corral?"  At this point I began looking around to see what places were close by where they could eat. 

"I want to get the most for our money."  Of course the thought that crossed my mind was, 'but you don't have any money!' 

"I can't give you any money but if you will meet me over there at Braum's I will buy you a sandwich." 

The woman's eyes got really big.  "Really?!  Did you hear that?  Really?!"

"You meet me over there and I will buy you a sandwich."  Then it happened; she hugged me.  As it had several times during this conversation, the thought crossed my mind not to trust them.  'What if they try to attack me.'  Now let me point out that this threat of harm was completely irrational.  I am trained to sense danger and neither of these people were physically capable of hurting me.  They were moving so slow it appeared they were in pain.  The man couldn't take normal steps. 

"Is it okay if we wait for you outside?"

"Why do you want to wait outside?" 

"Because I just know they'll say something to us if we go in there."

Of course there are multiple possibilities for why they couldn't go in there but it wasn't important.  "Okay." 

The woman turned to the man and began saying "Hurry up!  She's going to buy us a sandwich!  We have to hurry!"  I heard her repeat that probably three times. 

I bought each of them a burger and two apples.  In the bag I also included a card with my church's information.  When I stepped back outside I didn't see them at first and began to wonder if they disappeared.  And if they disappeared... had I just entertained angels?  As I began walking back to my car, I spotted them sitting on a curb behind the restaurant.  He jumped up and met me halfway to get the food.  As he said thank you, I said "God bless you" and walked away so they could eat.   

Let brotherly love continue.

Don't neglect to show hospitality,

For by doing this

Some have welcomed angels

Without knowing it.

Hebrews 13:1-2

My constant prayer is that God uses me to work His miracles in other people's lives.  If at all possible, please use me.  I am honored that God put me in that store, on that day, at that time so that these two people could eat.  That's MY blessing for the week.  However, when I begin to think about how fragile both these individuals looked, it saddens me.  Yes I bought them a burger.  But should I have done something else?  Maybe I missed something?   I am humbled by the thankfulness of these two people and all I did was buy them a burger.  There's also a part of me that feels guilty that I thought about going out the other door, that I thought about hurrying to my car, that I wanted to tell her "no you can't ask me a question", that I doubted anything she said was true, that I didn't want her to touch me or hug me, that I kept looking for the catch or how I was going to be taken advantage of, that I didn't sit down and talk with them a little longer...

Will God give me a second chance tomorrow to show His love to someone?