"The fear of man is a snare: but the one who trusts in the Lord is protected." ~Proverbs 29:25
Satan would love for me to live in fear... fear that money will run out before the end of the month... fear that loved ones will be taken away... fear that a strange noise outside the house at night is a lurking serial killer... fear that I'll never have my own family... fear of how something I said may have been received... fear that I've brought home parasitic insects from a client's house... fear that if I allow myself to be happy I will only end up in pain...
"For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment." ~2 Timothy 1:7
Fear is a trap laid by a very skilled hunter. It holds me back from experiencing true joy and perfect peace. It leads me to poor judgment. And, I begin using anger to mask it.
If I truly TRUST God is who He says He is, there is no room for fear. He is my Father, my Friend, my Counselor, my Savior, my Protector, my Provider... my ALL. He will keep me safe. He will give me strength.
"Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength." ~Isaiah 26:4
Friday, February 15, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Roller Coaster
Watch at your own risk!
I have a tendency to get caught up in contemplating the 'what ifs' that can happen in my life.
The emotions launch me into a roller coaster. As my car climbs the first incline, anticipation and excitement builds. Suddenly, I crest the top of the railroad mountain to find pure terror waiting for me. My heart drops to my stomach, and I scream. The car jerks me to the right with laughter and joy, only to unexpectedly move left with fear. For kicks and thrills, someone has thrown in a few vertical loops, which has always been my favorite part of the ride!
The entire ride I find myself disoriented. I'm not sure what to expect next.
As I started my week yesterday, with the voice in my head screaming 'I don't wanna!', the Lord revealed my theme for the week:
"You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You."
Isaiah 26:3
"Commit your activities to the Lord, and your plans will be achieved."
Proverbs 16:3
Emotions are so unpredictable, especially mine. So as I pray for God to calm my anxious heart, I remember to focus my activities on fulfilling His purpose. If I do that, the 'what ifs' in my future will be His. If I do that, I will find perfect peace.
Monday, January 28, 2013
One Year Down
A year ago I started a new journey. In hopes of renewing my love of writing, I decided to start a blog. I have been pleasantly surprised at how well it has gone and proud that I was able to stick with it for a whole year.
As I've learned a little bit about blogging I have tweaked my writing style so that hopefully it's easier to read. I've encountered some very encouraging people that have been faithful in reading my ramblings, and I've been pleasantly surprised by a few that say they keep up with it.
Even though it's great to know that I've been able to encourage a few people, I want to keep in mind the reason I started writing in the first place. You can read my very first blog here. This has become my own therapeutic outlet, and helping others is just a side benefit.
Over the last year I have written about daily activities and stressful events. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable in sharing lessons God is teaching me. I started a little series on my thoughts about being a single woman. And I continue to share my thoughts about self-value and beauty.
Some of the topics have developed over time. At times it seems I can't get my thoughts into the computer fast enough. Other times I have topics started but I can't quite get them to a point that they're ready to be posted.
So do I continue for another year... Why not?! I imagine it will be a lot of the same, but I'm okay with that. I'm still growing and learning; I continue to struggle with vulnerability, but it's a battle I need to win; and I want to connect with more people that may be just like me.
If you're reading this Thank You for sticking with me. And now we continue....
As I've learned a little bit about blogging I have tweaked my writing style so that hopefully it's easier to read. I've encountered some very encouraging people that have been faithful in reading my ramblings, and I've been pleasantly surprised by a few that say they keep up with it.
Even though it's great to know that I've been able to encourage a few people, I want to keep in mind the reason I started writing in the first place. You can read my very first blog here. This has become my own therapeutic outlet, and helping others is just a side benefit.
Over the last year I have written about daily activities and stressful events. I've allowed myself to be vulnerable in sharing lessons God is teaching me. I started a little series on my thoughts about being a single woman. And I continue to share my thoughts about self-value and beauty.
Some of the topics have developed over time. At times it seems I can't get my thoughts into the computer fast enough. Other times I have topics started but I can't quite get them to a point that they're ready to be posted.
So do I continue for another year... Why not?! I imagine it will be a lot of the same, but I'm okay with that. I'm still growing and learning; I continue to struggle with vulnerability, but it's a battle I need to win; and I want to connect with more people that may be just like me.
If you're reading this Thank You for sticking with me. And now we continue....
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
This Morning's Thoughts
I wrote this in my journal this morning and then thought it might be worth sharing...
Proverbs 14:26
In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge.
I need refuge today as I fear what the consequences may be for my actions. Lord knows I hate to be in trouble and sometimes my own guilt is worse than the discipline I might receive. As a child of God I have confidence that He is in control. No matter what happens today... despite my mistakes... He will work out His plan.
Proverbs 14:26
In the fear of the Lord is strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge.
I need refuge today as I fear what the consequences may be for my actions. Lord knows I hate to be in trouble and sometimes my own guilt is worse than the discipline I might receive. As a child of God I have confidence that He is in control. No matter what happens today... despite my mistakes... He will work out His plan.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Will This Be The One
2013! A new year! Hopefully, I'm not the only one that thinks that sounds strange.
The idea of a new year has been consuming my thoughts. "New" indicates change. Change is very difficult for me; good or bad it can be stressful. But I feel I'm at a point in my life that I want change to happen.
I want to continue moving forward. I want to grow. I do not want to remain the same or to become complacent with where I am at in life.
In my devotion a few weeks ago, the question was asked "What was the year that changed your life?" What year brought divine revelations that forever changed your relationship with Christ? Have you had one yet?
"Pray this is one." Pray this is the year that you will be forever changed.
I am not one to declare new year's resolutions; but I do know I want to be better. I want to be a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better supervisor, a better listener, a better helper, a better giver... a better Christian. I want to be full of joy.
The way I will be "better" is to draw closer to God and to lose myself in His will. It is there that I will find peace, comfort, and joy, no matter what happens.
The idea of a new year has been consuming my thoughts. "New" indicates change. Change is very difficult for me; good or bad it can be stressful. But I feel I'm at a point in my life that I want change to happen.
I want to continue moving forward. I want to grow. I do not want to remain the same or to become complacent with where I am at in life.
In my devotion a few weeks ago, the question was asked "What was the year that changed your life?" What year brought divine revelations that forever changed your relationship with Christ? Have you had one yet?
"Pray this is one." Pray this is the year that you will be forever changed.
I am not one to declare new year's resolutions; but I do know I want to be better. I want to be a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better supervisor, a better listener, a better helper, a better giver... a better Christian. I want to be full of joy.
The way I will be "better" is to draw closer to God and to lose myself in His will. It is there that I will find peace, comfort, and joy, no matter what happens.
"Happy are the people whose God is Yahweh."
Psalms 144:15
"...and the one who trusts in the Lord will be happy."
Proverbs 16:20
"I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete."
John 15:11
If anyone asks what I hope to accomplish this year, my only hope is that I am able to complete God's will for me every day.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Where's Jesus?
"You will call to Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:12-13
These verses were emailed to me by a friend this morning. I liked them so I posted them on facebook.
Then I started thinking... Search for Jesus. How? With child-like enthusiasm!
When we were kids we used to get those Highlight magazines full of activities. Hidden pictures was always a big favorite. It's self explanatory; you had to find the hidden objects in the picture.
Or maybe you were a child who loved 'Where's Waldo?'
The minor league baseball team here in town started a new game this year between innings of 'Where's Waldo?' Excitedly everyone searches the stands to be the first to find the silly guy dressed in red and white stripes.
Screaming, "There he is!" you start pointing.
There's Waldo sitting in the open (not hiding in the bathroom) waiting for you to find him.
Jesus isn't hiding either. He may be sitting right next to you. He may be the guy in line behind you to get a ballpark hot dog. But if you aren't looking, you won't find Him.
If you are enthusiastically searching to find Jesus today, you will. I'm kind of excited for the challenge, much like I was when the new Highlight magazine arrived in the mail.
These verses were emailed to me by a friend this morning. I liked them so I posted them on facebook.
Then I started thinking... Search for Jesus. How? With child-like enthusiasm!
When we were kids we used to get those Highlight magazines full of activities. Hidden pictures was always a big favorite. It's self explanatory; you had to find the hidden objects in the picture.
Or maybe you were a child who loved 'Where's Waldo?'
The minor league baseball team here in town started a new game this year between innings of 'Where's Waldo?' Excitedly everyone searches the stands to be the first to find the silly guy dressed in red and white stripes.
Screaming, "There he is!" you start pointing.
There's Waldo sitting in the open (not hiding in the bathroom) waiting for you to find him.
Jesus isn't hiding either. He may be sitting right next to you. He may be the guy in line behind you to get a ballpark hot dog. But if you aren't looking, you won't find Him.
If you are enthusiastically searching to find Jesus today, you will. I'm kind of excited for the challenge, much like I was when the new Highlight magazine arrived in the mail.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Turning the Christmas Corner
I heard a TV anchor this morning ask, "Aren't you sad Christmas is over?"
"NO!!!" I replied; not that he could hear me.
It's not a secret that I'm not a fan of Christmas. I know it almost sounds blasphemous that a Christian say "I don't like Christmas." After all it is the celebration of the birth of Christ, my Savior. It is the greatest demonstration of love. God sent His Son to become flesh, live a sinless life as a human, and then sacrifice His life so that I can have a personal relationship with Him.
As a Christian my soul rejoices that I have a heavenly Father that loves me that much, but during this season even Christians lose focus.
Between my last blog on the Thanksgiving Challenge and the state of my Christmas blues, I feel a little unstable. It's not that I go straight from joyful to depressed in a matter of a day or two. It's a process. After Thanksgiving has passed, I slowly begin to fade.
The pressure of the Christmas season drains me of all energy.
The calendar shows the hectic schedule of one Christmas party after another.
No doubt the high sugar intake from all these parties contributes to feelings of lethargy as my body is trying to process all the extra calories.
Society places so much emphasis on gifts that it is hard not to get caught up in the commercialism. There are so many important and cherished people in my life I would love nothing more than to get them the gifts they want and truly deserve.
Unfortunately, this leads to the problem of my financial situation... I can't.
In addition to all of this, my job of helping people 365 days a year demands extra of me during the holidays. Extra is hard when the fuel tank is already on empty.
Ovewhelmed? Yes! I want to solve all problems. I want to give special people what they deserve. I want to let anyone and everyone close to me know how much I cherish and love them. Society tells me that to do that I need money. Ugh!
The realization of my disheartened state seems to come too late.
Once I've realized how all the pressure has effected my personal state, I can begin to work out of it. Those same people I cherish and wish I could do more for at this time of year have stepped up the challenge of helping me feel better (which means I'm even more indebted to them.) God calls me to check my focus and not lose sight of what's most important... Him.
Alas I turn a corner. Christmas is now over and I can move on to my "normal" (whatever that is) routine, thankful God hasn't given up on me.
"NO!!!" I replied; not that he could hear me.
It's not a secret that I'm not a fan of Christmas. I know it almost sounds blasphemous that a Christian say "I don't like Christmas." After all it is the celebration of the birth of Christ, my Savior. It is the greatest demonstration of love. God sent His Son to become flesh, live a sinless life as a human, and then sacrifice His life so that I can have a personal relationship with Him.
As a Christian my soul rejoices that I have a heavenly Father that loves me that much, but during this season even Christians lose focus.
Between my last blog on the Thanksgiving Challenge and the state of my Christmas blues, I feel a little unstable. It's not that I go straight from joyful to depressed in a matter of a day or two. It's a process. After Thanksgiving has passed, I slowly begin to fade.
The pressure of the Christmas season drains me of all energy.
The calendar shows the hectic schedule of one Christmas party after another.
No doubt the high sugar intake from all these parties contributes to feelings of lethargy as my body is trying to process all the extra calories.
Society places so much emphasis on gifts that it is hard not to get caught up in the commercialism. There are so many important and cherished people in my life I would love nothing more than to get them the gifts they want and truly deserve.
Unfortunately, this leads to the problem of my financial situation... I can't.
In addition to all of this, my job of helping people 365 days a year demands extra of me during the holidays. Extra is hard when the fuel tank is already on empty.
Ovewhelmed? Yes! I want to solve all problems. I want to give special people what they deserve. I want to let anyone and everyone close to me know how much I cherish and love them. Society tells me that to do that I need money. Ugh!
The realization of my disheartened state seems to come too late.
Once I've realized how all the pressure has effected my personal state, I can begin to work out of it. Those same people I cherish and wish I could do more for at this time of year have stepped up the challenge of helping me feel better (which means I'm even more indebted to them.) God calls me to check my focus and not lose sight of what's most important... Him.
Alas I turn a corner. Christmas is now over and I can move on to my "normal" (whatever that is) routine, thankful God hasn't given up on me.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Thanks Givings Challenge
November is officially over, the time of year that everybody looks at the blessings in their lives. People make a conscious effort to stop and thank God for what is good. From grace to trials; from children to parents; from sunshine to cold rain. There is beauty all around and for one month out of the year even the bad can be good.
I enjoy it. Some may call me a sap, a wimp, or too soft-hearted, but when I can feel the genuine gratitude from someone it can bring tears to my eyes. I have one cousin in particular that has blessed me this month with her thankful posts because her gratitude comes from deep in her heart. I know she means it, and without knowing it she has challenged me to dig a little deeper.
Here are the basics: I'm thankful for Godly parents; I'm thankful for my house; I'm definitely thankful for my car; every day I'm thankful for food (those that know me know just how much this is true); I'm thankful for my church; I'm thankful for friends that love me despite my faults; and, especially dear to my heart, I'm thankful for my four legged children.
However, here is the first challenge: Be thankful for the things below the surface. Can I be even more specific about the blesssings in my life?
I'm not just thankful for my parents; I'm thankful for the childhood they provided me. Every day I come in contact with people who had absent parents that provided no structure; or helicopter parents that rescued them from having to solve any of their own problems; or parents that used punishment out of anger rather than discipline out of love. They taught me the value of hardwork while allowing me to be a child. And as an adult, I will always have the support and help of my parents. I am beyond blesssed.
Many people say they are thankful for the roof over their head. What about all the items under that roof? The Lord has given me the opportunity to own my home. It is a simple and old home that has its quirks, and I definitely fill up every space in it. I have been able to furnish it with couches, tables, beds, and dressers. The closets are full of clothes and lots of shoes ;-) The plants have managed to stay alive. I'm thankful for the washer and dryer that keep my clothes clean, a vacuum and broom that pick up dirt off the floor (at least when they're put to use), and hot water for showers and dirty dishes. It may be strange to some people to be thankful for these things, but they shouldn't be taken for granted!
My car... It's paid off so I'm grateful for no car payment! It's comfortable and rarely has problems beyond regular maintenance. Yes it burns oil, but I'm able to keep up with regular oil changes. I guess I should put a plug in here for my amazing mechanic. Since he knows my financial situation, he tries to keep me prepared for any upcoming expenses. This car has assisted me in meeting the requirements of my job all over the state. And it has taken me and friends on many trips. Here's to hoping it sticks around for a little while!
I have a church family that believes in the mission of touching lives. We do not claim to be perfect; we are a body of sinners, saved by grace. I grew up in church; however, I've never seen so much passion in one place. I've had the privilege of watching miracles happen in people's lives through the ministry of my church.
Friends are very special to me. I wrote about different types of friends and their purpose here. The handful of roots in my life really help shape who I am. There are friends I can count on to pray for me; there are some friends that get to see my goofy side and share my strange sense of humor; there are a few people that I can share my soul with; and their are those that are only around for a season. My friends help make my life rich, even the leaves.
Fur children definitely bring happiness to life. No one is as excited to see me as they are when I walk in the door. The wagging tails, purring hearts, and hugs around my legs are some of the best 'I love you's!' in the entire world. It doesn't matter if my hair is a mess or I've had a bad day; they love me no matter what!
In addition to going beyond the surface, the second challenge is to be thankful for the trials.
One day a friend wrote "I'm thankful for trials and tribulations." How many can say this and truly mean it?
I'll say it... it's hard! I woke up this morning still mad about some things I was thinking about last night. People I thought were... well they aren't. My throat hurts. And being a woman just plain sucks about once per month. I want to complain, not be thankful.
Hindsight often shows me purpose in a problem. Broken relationships have often brought to light things I need to change about myself and they have also proven that I have some positive attributes.
It's easier to be thankful for lessons learned after I've learned them. But, can I be thankful during the trial? God promises to never give me more than I can handle. Trials produce patience and endurance so that I can become "mature and complete, lacking nothing." My God promises never to leave me.
I'm thankful that I'm not in control of the circumstances in my life. Even when I feel there are things to complain about, there are positives to be found in every day.
The final Thanks Givings Challenge I have is... let's do it for the entire year!
Thanksgiving Day is my favorite holiday. It is a holiday with meaning and purpose. There is no pressure to buy presents in order to make others happy. I don't have to analyze and refigure my budgets to avoid leaving out anyone. For the most part, we spend time with family and we EAT!
As much happiness as this holiday brings me, it is one weekend out of the year. The family I'm thankful for in November is the same family I should be thankful for in April. The house and hot water that serves me in November, keeps me cool and sheltered in July. The car that transfered me from Springfield to Republic repeatedly last week, will take me from Springfield to Fair Grove next week. And fur babies, I'm always thankful for cuddles from them whether it's January, June, or September :-)
Let me also point out that thankfulness has proven benefits for your mental and physical health. It can help with depression, stress, blood pressure, sleep patterns, and improving relationships. I challenge you to keep life in perspective with grateful hearts!
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
I'm Alive!!!
Sometimes it's necessary to be thankful for the small things, or big things depending on how you look at it.
Nothing ruins the holidays quite like social work and spending all your energy trying to help others make it through them. So as I fly all around the county today, I'm going to be thankful that I'm alive!
Nothing ruins the holidays quite like social work and spending all your energy trying to help others make it through them. So as I fly all around the county today, I'm going to be thankful that I'm alive!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Single Woman: Spoiled for a Reason
Yep, it's all his fault!!!
When people accused my dad of spoiling my sister or I, my dad always said "I spoil you for a reason." He spoiled us with the expectation that we would require the same treatment from men that we dated and any man that we would eventually marry.
To this day, my dad still tries to take care of me. I know he's ready to pass off the torch to someone else, but until then he is the man in my life. The next man has to be able and willing to spoil me too!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
The Challenge to Change
"If it doesn't challenge you it doesn't change you."
I read this on a facebook post today, and I don't want it to be true.
I am a work in progress. Every day provides a different challenge and a new opportunity for growing into a better person. However, it's not always easy to meet the challenge with an open heart and an open mind. Sometimes it's just painful.
In those moments of pain it can be hard to discern between the voice of the Holy Spirit revealing my sin and the emotional abuse of Satan telling me I'm worthless. The Holy Spirit is challenging me to not become complacent with my life; I am destined to be greater! Satan would absolutely hate that so he combats it by constantly reminding me that I'm not worthy.
The choice is now mine. Do I choose to believe God unconditionally loves me and desires me to come closer to Him so that I can be a positive influence on others? Or, do I choose to continue down a self-destructive path of demeaning myself, lessening my value, and negatively impacting the world around me?
"Yet Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You are our potter; we all are the work of your hands." Isaiah 64:8
I read this on a facebook post today, and I don't want it to be true.
I am a work in progress. Every day provides a different challenge and a new opportunity for growing into a better person. However, it's not always easy to meet the challenge with an open heart and an open mind. Sometimes it's just painful.
In those moments of pain it can be hard to discern between the voice of the Holy Spirit revealing my sin and the emotional abuse of Satan telling me I'm worthless. The Holy Spirit is challenging me to not become complacent with my life; I am destined to be greater! Satan would absolutely hate that so he combats it by constantly reminding me that I'm not worthy.
The choice is now mine. Do I choose to believe God unconditionally loves me and desires me to come closer to Him so that I can be a positive influence on others? Or, do I choose to continue down a self-destructive path of demeaning myself, lessening my value, and negatively impacting the world around me?
Monday, November 12, 2012
Single Woman: How Did I Get Here?
Let's just say I've always been... different, unique, perhaps abnormal to some people...
I was not a normal child. I hated to upset my parents. I hated to ask for anything, even money. And I was not obsessed with boys. (This made life a little easier on mom and dad.)
Sure, I had crushes here and there. I went out on dates; I occasionally had a boyfriend. But having boyfriends, or not having boyfriends, was not my focus as a teenager. I had school/grades, band, color guard, volleyball, basketball, national honor society, prom committee, a part-time job, a trip to Europe, and youth group to keep me busy. I always joked that when I went to school it was dark, and when I left school it was dark. Who had time for dating and boys?!?
Finding the right college and establishing a career path took precedence over boys. Planning my future was number one priority.
So, how did I get to be a single 30-year-old woman? I think it starts there... I wasn't interested.
After high school, I went to a Christian college. Just like every Christian college in the nation, the running joke was that girls went there to get a MRS degree. With strong willed determination, I refused to follow that cultural expectation.
My answer to the above belief has always been: Being a wife and mother is the most important job I will ever have, but it is not the only job I will ever have.
I did have a serious boyfriend during my sophomore and junior years of college. However, it was made very clear that I wouldn't even think about marriage until after I finished school. After receiving my Bachelor's degree, the plan was to go straight to graduate school. That meant that the idea of marriage would not be a possibility until well into my mid-20's.
In the conservative Christian world this concept seems foreign. It seems to be an unspoken belief that a woman's purpose is to marry and begin having children. Add to that the fact that I live in the Midwest and I have a double whammy!
Many of my girlfriends in college held becoming a wife and mother a top value in their lives, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sometimes I'm jealous of where their life path has taken them compared to mine. It just was not a strong value in my life.
I'll say it... I'm complicated! There are many, many, many things I want to do and be in my life. If anyone tries to limit me, I can throw a fit and dig my heels in with the best of them.
I posses the natural desire God gave us for companionship. I definitely do not lack a woman's instinct to be a caretaker. But I don't fit in a pretty little box.
My relationship in college ended very badly, which led to additional reasons why I'm currently single. (I think this is another topic for another time.) Again, I poured myself into planning my future, establishing my career, and trying to figure out God's plan for my life. I was working between 50-60 hours per week, and feeling guilty if I had free time when I wasn't working.
My name is Jennifer, and I am a workaholic.
After two years of working way too hard, I made the decision to go back to school for my Master's in Social Work. Working full time, going to school, trying to pay bills, attempting to keep up with the housework, and spending time with friends and family made for one very busy life. Obviously, I have a pattern going on.... Who has time for dating?!?
I jokingly say to be careful what you tell God is the plan for your life. I said marriage wasn't a possibility until I was done with school and He took me seriously! By the time I finished my graduate program I was 28 years old with still no prospects in the love department.
So the majority of the time I wasn't interested, or I wasn't ready. I suppose a part of me knew that I wasn't ready; on some unconscious level it appears that I purposefully neglected that part of my life. I had things to do! I had a purpose to fulfill.
Am I ready now? I don't know. But the path I took to get where I am today has been unconventional. I am single. I am not divorced. I do not have children from past relationships (unless a dog counts). I bought my own car. I bought my own house. I have an active social life. I established a career.
Responsibility lies in God's sense of humor and my determination to be successful. Even though loneliness may creep its way in at times, I don't think I would change the strong willed, hard working values that brought me here. And even though my dad wishes he could take back the words 'you have to wait until you're 30 to get married', I don't think he'd change the core values of who I am either.
I was not a normal child. I hated to upset my parents. I hated to ask for anything, even money. And I was not obsessed with boys. (This made life a little easier on mom and dad.)
Sure, I had crushes here and there. I went out on dates; I occasionally had a boyfriend. But having boyfriends, or not having boyfriends, was not my focus as a teenager. I had school/grades, band, color guard, volleyball, basketball, national honor society, prom committee, a part-time job, a trip to Europe, and youth group to keep me busy. I always joked that when I went to school it was dark, and when I left school it was dark. Who had time for dating and boys?!?
Finding the right college and establishing a career path took precedence over boys. Planning my future was number one priority.
So, how did I get to be a single 30-year-old woman? I think it starts there... I wasn't interested.
After high school, I went to a Christian college. Just like every Christian college in the nation, the running joke was that girls went there to get a MRS degree. With strong willed determination, I refused to follow that cultural expectation.
My answer to the above belief has always been: Being a wife and mother is the most important job I will ever have, but it is not the only job I will ever have.
I did have a serious boyfriend during my sophomore and junior years of college. However, it was made very clear that I wouldn't even think about marriage until after I finished school. After receiving my Bachelor's degree, the plan was to go straight to graduate school. That meant that the idea of marriage would not be a possibility until well into my mid-20's.
In the conservative Christian world this concept seems foreign. It seems to be an unspoken belief that a woman's purpose is to marry and begin having children. Add to that the fact that I live in the Midwest and I have a double whammy!
Many of my girlfriends in college held becoming a wife and mother a top value in their lives, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sometimes I'm jealous of where their life path has taken them compared to mine. It just was not a strong value in my life.
I'll say it... I'm complicated! There are many, many, many things I want to do and be in my life. If anyone tries to limit me, I can throw a fit and dig my heels in with the best of them.
I posses the natural desire God gave us for companionship. I definitely do not lack a woman's instinct to be a caretaker. But I don't fit in a pretty little box.
My relationship in college ended very badly, which led to additional reasons why I'm currently single. (I think this is another topic for another time.) Again, I poured myself into planning my future, establishing my career, and trying to figure out God's plan for my life. I was working between 50-60 hours per week, and feeling guilty if I had free time when I wasn't working.
My name is Jennifer, and I am a workaholic.
After two years of working way too hard, I made the decision to go back to school for my Master's in Social Work. Working full time, going to school, trying to pay bills, attempting to keep up with the housework, and spending time with friends and family made for one very busy life. Obviously, I have a pattern going on.... Who has time for dating?!?
I jokingly say to be careful what you tell God is the plan for your life. I said marriage wasn't a possibility until I was done with school and He took me seriously! By the time I finished my graduate program I was 28 years old with still no prospects in the love department.
So the majority of the time I wasn't interested, or I wasn't ready. I suppose a part of me knew that I wasn't ready; on some unconscious level it appears that I purposefully neglected that part of my life. I had things to do! I had a purpose to fulfill.
Am I ready now? I don't know. But the path I took to get where I am today has been unconventional. I am single. I am not divorced. I do not have children from past relationships (unless a dog counts). I bought my own car. I bought my own house. I have an active social life. I established a career.
Responsibility lies in God's sense of humor and my determination to be successful. Even though loneliness may creep its way in at times, I don't think I would change the strong willed, hard working values that brought me here. And even though my dad wishes he could take back the words 'you have to wait until you're 30 to get married', I don't think he'd change the core values of who I am either.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Call to Rejoice
When I went to read my Bible this morning, God took me to Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in hope be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer." If I believed in chance it would be ironic that this verse was in front of me. However, I believe in God's sovereignty.
The theme of God's message to me over the last few weeks has been to find contentment in Him, remember that His timing is always perfect, and choose joy. Back in July I wrote about this verse and was focused on hope. This time I read it and He tells me to rejoice. What an easy thing to say, but such a hard thing to do when the stress is overwhelming and the heart is heavy.
I decided to go back and read the entire chapter to make sure I understood the context of the verse. I found not only that I need to choose joy, but discerning God's will for my life also involves sacrifice, gifts, and love.
My mission statement, if I were ever to take the time to write one, might be drawn from Romans 12:
1. To offer myself as a living sacrifice
2. To choose transformation of my mind so that I can discern the perfect will of God
3. To think sensibly
4. To use the spiritual gifts He gracefully chose to give me
5. To love without hypocrisy
6. To choose joy in affliction
7. To choose to bless people by empathizing with their ups and downs, not curse them
8. To choose humility over pride
9. To take care of my enemies in their time of need
10. To conquer evil with good
I purposefully repeat that I choose these actions. As a great father, God teaches me but then gives me the free will to make my own choices. There are rewards and consequences for every choice I make. The reward I seek is a life that is "holy and pleasing to God" so that I am able to "discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God" for my life. (v. 1-2)
I do not always understand where circumstances in my life are taking me. And honestly, I get impaitient with the waiting. But if I choose to believe that God is in control, I know I can find the ability to rejoice.
The theme of God's message to me over the last few weeks has been to find contentment in Him, remember that His timing is always perfect, and choose joy. Back in July I wrote about this verse and was focused on hope. This time I read it and He tells me to rejoice. What an easy thing to say, but such a hard thing to do when the stress is overwhelming and the heart is heavy.
I decided to go back and read the entire chapter to make sure I understood the context of the verse. I found not only that I need to choose joy, but discerning God's will for my life also involves sacrifice, gifts, and love.
My mission statement, if I were ever to take the time to write one, might be drawn from Romans 12:
1. To offer myself as a living sacrifice
2. To choose transformation of my mind so that I can discern the perfect will of God
3. To think sensibly
4. To use the spiritual gifts He gracefully chose to give me
5. To love without hypocrisy
6. To choose joy in affliction
7. To choose to bless people by empathizing with their ups and downs, not curse them
8. To choose humility over pride
9. To take care of my enemies in their time of need
10. To conquer evil with good
I purposefully repeat that I choose these actions. As a great father, God teaches me but then gives me the free will to make my own choices. There are rewards and consequences for every choice I make. The reward I seek is a life that is "holy and pleasing to God" so that I am able to "discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God" for my life. (v. 1-2)
I do not always understand where circumstances in my life are taking me. And honestly, I get impaitient with the waiting. But if I choose to believe that God is in control, I know I can find the ability to rejoice.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Tree Friends
Someone said your friend base changes every 7 years. I have been mulling over this a little bit and found it's pretty accurate for my life so far.
I have always had high expectations for myself and the people in my life who I care about the most. These high expecations include what I believe close relationships should be. I often discuss the true meaning of love with people. While we love people in our life in different ways (you don't love your mom in the same way you love your dog), the foundation of love is always the same. It is unconditional and sacrificial. It is an action, not a feeling. I apply these same standards to the way I love my friends. Unfortunately, not everybody holds the same meanings for friends and love as I do. There have been a lot of people who have come and gone in my life.
Tyler Perry wrote an illustration about the different types of people that come and go in life. It's not anything that hasn't been said before. Some people are leaves, some are branches, some are roots. The leaves are only here for a season. As soon as it gets cold and the wind blows, they are gone. The branches may be around for a several seasons but you have to be careful because they may break if there is a big storm. And the roots are special. They hold you up and help you be strong through any season and any storm.
No doubt there are names that come to mind of people who fall in each of these categories. However, Tyler made a statement that stopped me in my tracks. He said not to be angry with people that are leaves or branches because it is just who they are. They will never know or realize that they are a leaf or a branch; so don't try to convince them.
I confess that I have held some anger and resentment towards the leaves and branches in my life. I invested my time and my heart into friendships that didn't turn out to be what I thought they were. I expected that they would have the same standards as I do, only to find that the relationship was seasonal.
So with this new revelation from Tyler Perry, how do I let go of that resentment and realize that is just who they are?
For one... forgiveness. I will forgive the leaves for not being roots. I will forgive the branches for breaking under pressure. And I will choose to love them for who they are.
It is currently Fall; my favorite time of year. The leaves bring me joy. They bring vibrance before a cold winter. They are fun to rake and a blast to play in!
Several years ago, we had this huge ice storm. Branches everywhere cracked under the pressure. It looked like a war zone. I have a ginormous tree in my front yard. For years, every time the wind blew I was picking up dead branches from that ice storm. Some of the branches tried to stay around even longer than apparently was intended for them.
Unless you were here for the ice storm you wouldn't know it had happened by looking around now. The trees are still standing and they are still growing. They don't look the same as they did prior to the ice storm, but there are some amazing stories to tell.
Second, I will choose to focus on my roots. Even though my friend base has changed about every 7 years, out of each of those bases I found a root. There are a handful of people who I know will always hold me up. Life can send me droughts, ice storms, thunderstorms, even tornados; the roots remain. No matter how much time goes by, no matter where the jet streams take each of us, we will find each other. I am beyond thankful for each of them!
The tree in my front yard has to be 100 years old. It would take two of me to wrap around its base. There's no doubt it has seen a lot of seasons and a lot of storms. I'm sure there are some empty spots where strong branches used to be. I'm sure there are scars from where those branches broke off. For every year that the leaves fell off, another year produced more. Can you imagine how many leaves this tree has been through in its lifetime?
Then there's the side of the tree that I cannot see. The roots. I wonder how deep into the ground those roots go. How far out from the tree do those roots reach? In its lifetime, how many times have those roots kept this majestic tree standing?
Can you imagine? Can you apply? Can you challenge yourself?
I have always had high expectations for myself and the people in my life who I care about the most. These high expecations include what I believe close relationships should be. I often discuss the true meaning of love with people. While we love people in our life in different ways (you don't love your mom in the same way you love your dog), the foundation of love is always the same. It is unconditional and sacrificial. It is an action, not a feeling. I apply these same standards to the way I love my friends. Unfortunately, not everybody holds the same meanings for friends and love as I do. There have been a lot of people who have come and gone in my life.
Tyler Perry wrote an illustration about the different types of people that come and go in life. It's not anything that hasn't been said before. Some people are leaves, some are branches, some are roots. The leaves are only here for a season. As soon as it gets cold and the wind blows, they are gone. The branches may be around for a several seasons but you have to be careful because they may break if there is a big storm. And the roots are special. They hold you up and help you be strong through any season and any storm.
No doubt there are names that come to mind of people who fall in each of these categories. However, Tyler made a statement that stopped me in my tracks. He said not to be angry with people that are leaves or branches because it is just who they are. They will never know or realize that they are a leaf or a branch; so don't try to convince them.
I confess that I have held some anger and resentment towards the leaves and branches in my life. I invested my time and my heart into friendships that didn't turn out to be what I thought they were. I expected that they would have the same standards as I do, only to find that the relationship was seasonal.
So with this new revelation from Tyler Perry, how do I let go of that resentment and realize that is just who they are?
For one... forgiveness. I will forgive the leaves for not being roots. I will forgive the branches for breaking under pressure. And I will choose to love them for who they are.
It is currently Fall; my favorite time of year. The leaves bring me joy. They bring vibrance before a cold winter. They are fun to rake and a blast to play in!
Several years ago, we had this huge ice storm. Branches everywhere cracked under the pressure. It looked like a war zone. I have a ginormous tree in my front yard. For years, every time the wind blew I was picking up dead branches from that ice storm. Some of the branches tried to stay around even longer than apparently was intended for them.
Unless you were here for the ice storm you wouldn't know it had happened by looking around now. The trees are still standing and they are still growing. They don't look the same as they did prior to the ice storm, but there are some amazing stories to tell.
Second, I will choose to focus on my roots. Even though my friend base has changed about every 7 years, out of each of those bases I found a root. There are a handful of people who I know will always hold me up. Life can send me droughts, ice storms, thunderstorms, even tornados; the roots remain. No matter how much time goes by, no matter where the jet streams take each of us, we will find each other. I am beyond thankful for each of them!
The tree in my front yard has to be 100 years old. It would take two of me to wrap around its base. There's no doubt it has seen a lot of seasons and a lot of storms. I'm sure there are some empty spots where strong branches used to be. I'm sure there are scars from where those branches broke off. For every year that the leaves fell off, another year produced more. Can you imagine how many leaves this tree has been through in its lifetime?
Then there's the side of the tree that I cannot see. The roots. I wonder how deep into the ground those roots go. How far out from the tree do those roots reach? In its lifetime, how many times have those roots kept this majestic tree standing?
Can you imagine? Can you apply? Can you challenge yourself?
Monday, October 22, 2012
Soul Candy
I hate leaving home even if it is something good. Leaving my house, my furry babies, and the land of familiarity brings a lot of unnecessary anxiety. There are no explanations for why I feel this way; it really is just a part of my personality. And generally once I get to my destination I am just fine!
Last week I attempted to take advantage of time away at training to look for soul candy. Anxiety would not get the best of me!
Soul candy is when God chooses to either reveal himself to me in different ways or allows me to experience things that I love.
Of course I was able to find some...
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It is so amazing how God reveals His love for me when I'm actively looking. I had a lot of soul candy this week! I enjoyed a canvas of Fall colors during a 3 hour drive; I made some fun new friends; strangers were friendly and joyful; it was affirmed that my babies need me; and then I spent time with people I love doing things I love.
Praying that it continues to overflow into the coming week.
Last week I attempted to take advantage of time away at training to look for soul candy. Anxiety would not get the best of me!
Soul candy is when God chooses to either reveal himself to me in different ways or allows me to experience things that I love.
Of course I was able to find some...
Everyone knows Fall is my favorite time of year. It just so happens that the trees have all been changing colors over the last week. Therefore, a three hour drive to my destination was perfect for enjoying God's beautiful canvas. Every time I came around a curve or over a hill, there was a new painting of reds, yellows, oranges, and greens. It was absolutely beautiful every time. I never get tired of it!
Candy really helps strangers become friends, especially cherry flavored Twizzlers. My cheap little bribe (along with a shared interest in sarcasm) definitely worked.
I ended up meeting some fun people! Nothing bonds Missourians quite like a Cardinals playoff game; so after training we headed to a bar and grill for food, drinks, and sports. Good thing the Cardinals won that night!
The people in this town were especially friendly. Everywhere I went people were smiling; joy really is contagious. However, I do wish that they would quit calling me 'maam'! This is a new trend that I have noticed since turning 30. Apparently, I now also look older and the youngins are no longer including me in their peer group. Positive... they were polite and had good manners. Negative... the manners made me feel 'older.'
I was very impressed with the hotel. It was probably one of the nicest hotels I've been put in for training. The check-in girl was very chipper and friendly, which this starving and exhausted girl definitely appreciated. My room was clean and updated. There was even a little stuffed animal that greeted me from the bed when I walked into the room! There was a gorgeous clubhouse with a pool right outside my window. It was way too cold to swim, but it was pretty. And the whole hotel was decorated to elicit the feeling of a mountain cottage get-a-way.
I did not sleep in the hotel very well; I never do. I missed my furry babies at night. There is always one positioned on my feet and the other by my side. It sure was nice to know that they missed me too!
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The positive attitude spilled over into my weekend. It was jam packed with fun, friends, family, and worship. I want to do it again!
It is so amazing how God reveals His love for me when I'm actively looking. I had a lot of soul candy this week! I enjoyed a canvas of Fall colors during a 3 hour drive; I made some fun new friends; strangers were friendly and joyful; it was affirmed that my babies need me; and then I spent time with people I love doing things I love.
Praying that it continues to overflow into the coming week.
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